Scott Boras:Mind-Numbingly Horrible Contracts::Fish:Water

Most sports fans don't like Scott Boras, and it's pretty easy to figure out why: they blame him for tearing their favorite players away from their favorite teams. Often times, it'll go something like this: A player who's been with the same team for 6 years and garnered a huge following with said team's fans will be like, "I love (random city) and I'd love to stay with (random team)." Then Boras will be like, "You'll get a decent amount of money if you stay with (old team) but you'll get like seven times more if you sign with (other team)," and the player couldn't sign with the other team fast enough. And everyone blames Boras, when in reality, he's just doing his job, and doing it very well. Sure, he's probably manipulated situations and people before to squeeze the most possible money out of them, but what agent wouldn't?

That said, he wants Jason Varitek to get 4 years and $52 million this offseason.

Jason Varitek. The same guy who batted .220/.313/.359 in the 2008 regular season and then went like 1 for 90 in the playoffs. The same guy who threw out 22.2% of potential basestealers in 2008. Jason Varitek.

Well, I guess Boras figures that Varitek is just an up-and-coming talent who put too much pressure on himself during his contract year. Surely, he'll argue, that next year when he can relax and enjoy the prime years of his playing career, that he'll be able to break out and...

Wait. This is the year 2004, right? Gas costs 89 cents a gallon, Friends is still making new episodes, and Varitek is on the catching market along with fellow studs Damian Miller and Javy Lopez, isn't he? Oh shit, this is 2008. Varitek is like 45 now. This is absolutely insane.

Jason. Varitek. 4 years and $52 million.

If Jason Varitek is worth $52 million, then I'm pretty sure I could get at least 9 years and $230 million on the open market as a light-hitting but hard-hustling 19-year-old cost-controlled corner outfielder. My phone line's open, Pirates!