You gotta love Christmas

Just for the JFK-assassination-like shock you get when random 50-year-old female family members (in this case, my aunt) bust out freaking sports analogies over the family dinner table. A UFO could have landed in the backyard to pick up Tom Cruise two seconds later and I wouldn't have been as surprised.

I'm the fourth-best creative writer in my Intro to English Composition course

Does that mean that I'm worth $200 million?



http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2008/12/mark-teixeira-6.html



Let's all just stop here for a second. Mark Teixeira is not the best first baseman in the MLB (Albert Pujols is). He is not the second-best first baseman in the MLB (Lance Berkman is). He is not the third-best first baseman in the MLB (Ryan Howard is). And yet he's apparently ready to turn down a farking $180 million contract even though he's probably worth like half that. He's going to make $7 million more than Albert Pujols in 2009 even though he's a substantially inferior player. Who also has an infuriatingly hard last name to spell.



Say what you want about Scott Boras, but at least he treats his clients well (unlike, say, Rafael Furcal's agent, who cost his best client about $20 million this offseason and should be posting his resume on Monster.com any day now). Jarrod freaking Washburn is going to get a $95 million contract next offseason--from Ned Colletti, of course.

I don't care; my REAL talent is giving singing lessons to scared-shitless 14-year-old girls

For the ten billionth and almost definitely not last time, some NBA team has bid "au revoir, go-pher" to the Master of the National Anthem himself:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3766766

Is Maurice Cheeks a nice guy? Probably. Is he a "class act"? Apparently. Was the same true of, like, Grady Little? Yes. Do you see where I'm going with this? No. (You're an idiot.)

Here's the harsh, but true, point: just being a good guy who used to be a great pro athlete does not guarantee you success as a coach. Best case, you're Gil Hodges; worst case, you're Mo C. How's that for a lasting legacy?

Never mind

The Hot Stove is dead. Forever. Until Manny Ramirez signs or someone gives Gregg Zaun $85 million, I'm ignoring it.

So, until either of those things happens, enjoy the latest TO-vs-Random Quarterback Dating a Smoking Hot Celebrity feud:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3763209

PS: If I was dating Jessica Simpson, I'd tape $100 bills to the football every time before I threw it and joyfully praise God even after getting my ribs ground into powder by 400-pound defensive linemen.

PPS: That last sentence had nothing to do with the issue at hand. Of course, it's all TO's fault as usual. But you knew that.

I'm officially a blogger now

Thanks to my 600-word bitchfest two days ago about how boring the Hot Stove season is, I've administered the classic blogger "reverse jinx," causing teams to finally wise up and start to spend...and, as everyone knows, "spend" in Yankee-speak means "screw yourself over backwards for a 290-pound starting pitcher coming off a two-year stretch where he combined to throw 494 regular-season innings." Will CC be a good pitcher for at least like three years of his contract? Almost definitely, which is why I think the Yankees adding an opt-out clause makes sense. But will he be lights-out throughout the entire seven-year stretch of his deal? I guess I'd have to see him actually eat a salad before I could say yes to that.

And just like that, the Hot Stove is in full swing again. AJ Burnett (three healthy major-league seasons, 4.07 ERA last year) is going to get $100 million, Derek Lowe (age 35) is going to get a five-year deal, and Jake Peavy (undersized pitcher with violent pitching motion coming off an injury-plagued year that was preceded by a 223-IP season) is going to cost the Cubs their entire minor league system plus Wrigley Field and the Harry Caray statue. Ahhhhh...thank you Yankees. As usual, you've wrecked baseball while also making the winter so enjoyable for non-AL fans.

Jan. 1: The first round of the college football playoffs begins, featuring Oklahoma versus Alabama, Florida versus Texas, and...oh, wait.

(Question before I begin sarcastically tearing the BCS to shreds again: Would it really be so hard to take the winners of all six BCS-affiliated conferences, as well as the two highest-ranking non-conference winners, throw them into a bracket, have the whole thing start on January 1st to keep up with tradition...and still have all the other little minor bowls for the 6-6 teams and the 10-2 teams pissed to be left out of the bigger games, so that college football won't lose like a trillion dollars in sponsorship deals? Yes, it would be too hard? Okay. Let's keep doing things the way we have been and pissing off 99% of the country in the process. Done. On with the bashing.)



Yep, looks like another fun and exciting BCS bowl season where only one game actually matters:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=3753351&sportCat=ncf

Look, I'm not saying that the non-championship BCS games won't be fun to watch. USC-Penn State, with JoePa versus Carroll and two of the best defenses in the country squaring off? High entertainment. Little Utah trying to knock off big bad Alabama? Mesmerizing. Angry Texas squaring up against perennial BCS loser Ohio State? I'll be watching.

But, seriously...do any of these games matter at all?

If USC beats Penn State, it's basically, "Yeah! We're the #4 team in the country! Imagine if we'd lost; we'd be like the #9 team in the country! Oh, the horror!" And you can apply that to all the other games as well. None of them, with the exception of Florida-Oklahoma, mean shit in the long run. They'll be entertaining, sure, but in the overall scheme of the college football standings they'll mean just as much as the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Is that really how you want your playoff system to work?

Why not (come on...WHY NOT???????) have those same enticing matchups, but actually have them mean something instead of just trivial final season rankings? Imagine if Penn State had the ball on the USC 10 with five seconds to go down by six...but a trip to the Final Four was on the line instead of a potential top 7 finish in the BCS standings? Wouldn't that be like a million times more dramatic? January 1st would be like the first day of March Madness, and therefore brackets would be filled out and compared all throughout December, and college football would make millions on the "January Madness" pools that would pop up all over the Internet. Everyone still makes money and everyone's still happy. Why is this such a problem?

Maybe our new president will make sure that gets changed when he eventually takes office. Until then, I'll just have to be content with holding a cold rag to my head on New Year's morning and watching USC crush Penn State by 45 points, earning the #3 ranking in the final BCS standings which will mean essentially nothing. And then my headache will just get worse. Thanks BCS, you've given me New Year's Day migraines and it's only December 9th. Keep it up, idiots.

Sorry, we can't sign him, the economy's in shambles. Now, about my eighth Ferrari...

By the time the winter meetings last year had gotten underway, the best free agent catcher, third baseman, outfielder, closer, and overall player had already been signed. It was the usual entertaining offseason: mediocre guys getting paid like Hall of Famers ($90 million for Torii Hunter????), crappy guys getting paid like All-Stars ($25 million for Luis Castillo over four years, with the Mets hurriedly trying to dump the contract less than four months later) and God-awful players getting paid like Legendary Heroes ($46 million for Francisco Cordero????!?!!!??). Things eventually got to be somewhat predictable, and painful at times (I'm looking at you, Andruw Jones), but still it was another fun and exciting Hot Stove season.

Flash forward twelve months to the dawn of the 2008 winter meetings, and the only notable free agent signing of the entire offseason has been Ryan Dempster for 4 years and $52 million. It's also worth mentioning that the team that gave him that contract, the Cubs, is now desparately trying to shed payroll elsewhere in order to scrape together enough pennies to pay for other ventures (yeah, the Cubs, like the third-most popular baseball team in the world, need to break open piggy banks to pay for high-caliber stars. Right, okay.).

The biggest (pun intended) indicator of how much things have changed has to be the CC Sabathia situation. The Yankees offered CC six years and $140 million in November, and he remarkably decided to wait and see if any offers came in from teams in his home state of California. If this was 2007, the Yankees would have said "Screw it" and offered him nine years and $220 million with player options for $40 million in 2017, 2018, and 2019, and also included a life supply of Big Macs, DQ Blizzards, and Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But now? They're just waiting as CC tries to decide if he wants to go to a California team, which is CC's hidden way of saying, "I fucking hate New York and never want to play there; please, any California team, give me at least an in-the-ballpark offer so the Player's Union won't grind my ass into dust"--only it seems as if no California teams can even put together an actual offer for him. That's just ridiculous, considering that the Dodgers and Angels play in the second-biggest market in the country and the Giants currently have like a $40 million payroll (with $39 million of that owed to Barry Zito, btw). So CC will probably enter the year 2009 without a contract, unless he caves and signs with the Yankees just so that the Player's Union won't plant a bomb in his car.

I understand that the economic crisis is bad, but is it so bad that MLB franchises can't afford to take any chances on any free agents? I used to complain that it was only the Dodgers that were like this because of their penny-pinching ownership team, but I mean, really: has any other team spent the money to improve their situation at all? I have to answer no to that. Sure, this stalemate will probably end eventually, and CC will get his $100 million and Mark Teixeira will get his $180 million and Manny Ramirez will get his 3-year, $69-million contract from the Dodgers with a lot of money backloaded into the last two years (uh, you read this blog right Frank McCourt?). But that time probably won't come soon, and maybe late January will be the new early December this Hot Stove season. And that'll just suck for anyone who enjoys following it.

For the 4 1/2 people that regularly read this blog

I needed a long break headed up to baseball's winter meetings, where $100 million contracts will start flying off the shelves to stiffs like Mark Loretta, Daryle Ward, and Gregg Zaun. So, at your expense, I decided to take the last two weeks off. I apologize for this unannounced absence that undoubtedly caused irreparable damage to you and your families. You can take solace in the fact that I'll be here furiously typing away every time some stupid general manager pays a mediocre free agent $30 million more than he's worth (get used to seeing the "Ned Colletti" tag, in other words).

And just in case you haven't been paying attention, here's a quick recap of the most notable events that happened in sports since I last posted:

1: Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.
2-infinity: (blank)

Can you please cash this $20 check for me? Thank you very much. Now get your hands up, this is a robbery!

You can't say that it's unlike Ned Colleti to be targeting overpaid, over-30, underperforming players for key positions on his team. Thankfully, in this case, he's getting bailed out by the "brain" trust that is Pirates management:

http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2008/11/dodgers-conside.html

You think you can get away with just offering me a decent young infield prospect for a completely awful shortstop that will make $7.25 million in 2009 and become a black hole in your lineup and payroll? How dumb do you think I am? Try throwing in a good young player, and then try throwing in another good young player, and MAYBE I'll consider one day thinking about it. Please don't insult my intelligence.

So are they the Giant Douche or the Turd Sandwich?

I feel a nauseating sensation coming over my stomach, as vomit is beginning to rise in my throat and I'm losing control of my bowels. Yep, I'm in that very sickening and unenviable position of being a neutral college football fan who actually has to root for Oklahoma:


http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/BCSStandings?week=6


I can't root for the Tide because they hired a rent-a-coach who's bailed on every team he's ever worked for and will likely high-tail it out of Alabama as soon as things go sour. I can't root for Texas because my parents have a long-standing grudge against them that's grown on me over the years (except in the 2006 Rose Bowl; Vince Young FTW!). I can't root for Florida because I'm still kept awake at night by visions of Joakim Noah and Al Horford swatting away layup attempts by Ryan Hollins and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute. I can't root for USC because...well, they're USC, of course. And nobody else in the top 10 really has a chance of making the National Championship Game.


Oklahoma? They're the biggest whiners in college football history. Okay, even though they did get completely and utterly screwed by the referees in the one Oregon game, they're still complaining about it two years later. I don't really care for their coach. One of the most exhilarating sports memories I have is rooting against them in the famed Boise State game. They were the bullies of college football for decades. I really, really, really don't want to have to root for them.


But, then again, they have a long, cold, cruel streak of losing BCS games recently, they don't seem to have any juvenile criminals on the team anymore, their fans hate Texas too, and all the heartache they've received in this decade has to be at least some payback for bullying college football around for years and years.....right?


This is what you're forced to think about when your favorite team is 4-6 and running out a starting quarterback with 7 touchdown passes and 16 interceptions on the season. Please be better next year, Kevin Craft. Please.

So how much "deer meat" was he carrying while he was "washing his truck" and "drinking a glass of water"?

Chad Billingsley has broken his leg, apparently slipping on a step outside of his house:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3720224

Uh, okay. I'm sure he wasn't cliff diving (after chugging six beers) or walking on a tightrope (after smoking five bowls) or riding on a wrecking ball (after dropping a Slurpee-sized dose of acid). He just fell down the stairs. Right, whatever.

You give me a giant contract and watch me give up on the team and never try hard, then boo me after I whine my way out of town? I'll show you!

I guess Bill Simmons has to add another level to his Vengenace Scale for Vince Carter's latest performance against the Raptors:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/recap?gameId=281121028

Someday I hope I'll be able to feel antagonism against an organization that once paid me ninety-four million dollars.

Also featuring: a monkey who plays the harmonica!

But seriously, is that any less believable than an athlete who tells the truth at his own expense?

http://sports.yahoo.com/golf/blog/devil_ball_golf/post/J-P-Hayes-is-as-honest-as-we-like-to-think-we-a;_ylt=AmHQ__DZXF5Y8Q6IL9f9XckogsUF?urn=golf,123304

There's "playing aggressively," and then there's...

Um, this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi8OtV_-6ag

I knew not to do things like this when I was like 5 1/2.

New rule: Everyone gets paid until they're 42

Big surprise: Scott Boras thinks that 35-year-old Derek Lowe deserves a "Barry Zito contract":

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8816036/Sources:-Red-Sox-interested-in-Burnett?CMP=OTC-K9B140813162&ATT=49

Ever since the Yankees decided "What the hell, like we don't already have enough insane fuck-you contracts anyway" and spent $275 million for A-Rod on a 10-year deal that paid him until he was 42, Boras is apparently using age 42 as his benchmark for all of his other free agents. Not just free agent hitters coming off years where they hit 54 home runs and won the MVP...all free agents. Here are some prime examples of the kinds of contracts that Boras expects this offseason:

1. Manny Ramirez (age 36): 6 years, $150 million.
2. Derek Lowe (age 35): 7 years, $126 million.
3. Felipe Lopez (age 28): 14 years, $248 million.

That last one hasn't officially been declared yet, but you just know it's coming.

I hope their rally song for that year wasn't "I Won't Let You Down"

When Vanderbilt last qualified for a bowl game, E.T. was the most popular movie in America and grown men thought that wearing mascara was badass. Ah, 1982:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&page=dash0812&sportCat=ncf

If you just can't get a grasp on how long ago 1982 really was, read this list of what was happening in music that year:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1982_in_music

Seems more like 1882 now, doesn't it?

On second thought, cancel that ninth mansion

After undergoing three different surgeries related to back and hip issues in the last month, Hank Steinbrenner has concluded that the problem is that his wallet is too heavy, and that he's going to lighten it up a little by giving away eighty million dollars to AJ Burnett:

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/rumors/post/Yanks-preparing-5-year-80-million-offer-for-Bu;_ylt=AnRz5kq17XTLrM9l4F0sVDeFCLcF?urn=mlb,122930

Those hospital bills must really be piling up for Hank, because this is quite a big sacrifice to make to stop those back spasms. Sure, when Burnett actually takes the mound he can be dominant...but he's had exactly two seasons (out of eight) where he hasn't missed a start, and they were both contract years. In his other six full seasons, he's missed an average of 12 starts a year. So basically, you're paying him $16 million to pitch somewhat effectively for four months out of six (at least until 2013, when he'll win 20 games for a Yankee team where a 600-pound CC Sabathia will be the #1 starter and a 39-year-old Derek Jeter will be the leadoff hitter). Hell, I guess if Roger Clemens is worth $28 million for half a season, this is a fucking bargain!

Celebrate good Obama, COME ON!

Boom Baby!

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3708348

You're Barack Obama. You haven't even taken office yet and you're like the most popular president since George fucking Washington. South Park did an absolutely hilarious episode on you. You play basketball. And now basically your first real course of action is to use your influence to create a college football playoff system???? Go politics!!!

Coaches are useless, Part XXVIII

We see so many examples in the media of "great coaches" being portrayed as gods that we hardly ever stop to question said portrayals. Don't get me wrong; when I was growing up I thought Joe Torre had power and intuition that would even make my third-grade homeroom teacher quiver (and trust me, she could have shaped up Eric Cartman in eight seconds flat). But of course, that was back when I was like seven, and (despite what my friends will say) I've learned a little since then. For instance, one trend that I've noticed over the last few years is that highly-regarded college coaches seem to have no control over their team's fortunes.

Exhibit A, football style:
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/recap?gameId=283200130

aaaaaand Exhibit B, basketball style:
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/recap?gameId=283190096

Michigan hires a high-profile head coach from a more successful and less well-known team to turn the program around after an, um, "up-and-down" 2007 season...and he proceeds to preside over the worst Wolverine team in 129 years. Kentucky fires its consisent-yet-unspectacular head coach after his ninth straight year without a Final Four appearance (like going to three Elite Eights in that span was just nothing), hires a high-profile coach from a more successful and less well-known team...and they lose back-to-back season openers to like freshmen intramural teams. Maybe you guys should have focused more on the actual players, hmm?

I know closers are overrated, but come on now

First it was Trevor Hoffman getting a middle finger-shaped "Peace Out!" memo from the Padres after 16 years of service, 11-12 of which were spent as one of the best relievers in baseball. Now the Cubs, after making out with their reflections in the mirror for the last few weeks, have decided to give a similar treatment to Kerry Wood:

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2008/11/kerry-wood-and-cubs-split.html

This transaction reeks of the old "Baseball for People Who Are Nothing But PR Dumbshits Who Know Nothing About The Game, by Frank McCourt with a preface by Ned Colleti" strategy: the Cubs didn't want to overpay to keep Wood, so they decided to trade their young, cost-controlled fireballing RP for an older and much more expensive RP that will probably be more effective in 2009 and maybe 2010, but almost definitely not beyond that...just because he was more well-known. "Hey, instead of putting Matt Kemp in center field, let's sign Juan Pierre! He's a recognizable name, who gives a shit if he sucks?" I mean, seriously, how many teams in baseball does Ned Colleti work for?

Also...it's a shame that Kerry Wood is no longer a Cub. You really had to be a hardcore baseball fan in 1998 to understand his meaning to Cub fans; his debut season (the 20-strikeout game, the 233 Ks in only 166 innings, etc) was right up there with Mark Fidrych's and Fernando Valenzuela's, and his 2002 and 2003 seasons were similarly excellent. Sammy Sosa was the main man in Chicago during those years, but Wood was the up-and-coming star, the guy who was going to lead the Cubs back into regular contention for the first time since like 1720. Then his injury troubles finally took hold of his career in 2004, and he only pitched in 36 games from 2004-2006. 2007, though, saw him make a remarkable heartwarming comeback as a solid reliever as he helped lead the Cubs back to the playoffs. 2008 was even better, as he became a dominant closer who posted a 1.09 WHIP, .219 BAA, and 84 strikeouts in 66.1 innings as the Cubs made the playoffs again (and it shouldn't even matter, but the NLDS loss this year was not in any way his fault). It was the Kerry Wood comeback story for most of 2008, as the Cubs had their old hero back, the guy who had stuck with them through thick and thin (personally and team-wise), and loved playing with them so much that he offered to take a one-year contract to come back to Chicago, even though he could easily get a multi-year deal from someone else. If there was ever a guy who truly embodied a classy athlete from 1998-2008, it was Kerry Wood.

Knowing all that, the Cubs not only let him go, but also traded one of their best prospects to acquire a guy who had nine blown saves and a 1.28 WHIP last year to take his place.

Makes perfect sense to me.

Unfounded, unimaginable, and unintelligent trade rumors, take one

Ah, baseball rumor season. It's that special time of year every November when the purest and most intelligent minds in the country share their all-knowing powers with the national public, predicting exactly where every single free agent will sign and when every single trade will happen without fail. Of course, since this is America and everybody has an opinion, we still have to deal with the dumbasses too:

http://mvn.com/outsider/2008/11/being-the-gm-2009-tampa-bay-rays.html

The first two ideas are fairly logical. The third is fucked up in a way that even the biggest fuckers in the world can't hope to one day fuck up. Andre Ethier is a 26-year-old outfielder who posted an .885 OPS and a 130 OPS+ last year despite Dodger Stadium suddenly becoming a pitcher's park again (95 Park Factor for hitters). He won't hit arbitration until 2010 and is cost-controlled for the next four years.

That last sentence is also true of Andy Sonnanstine. Of course, what's also true about ole' Andy is that he posted a 100 ERA+ and was generally the fourth or fifth best starter on Tampa Bay's staff. Sure, he'll only be 26 on Opening Day 2009, and sure, he only walked 37 batters in 193.1 innings last year. But based on his ERA+, he was an average pitcher, and again, the fourth or fifth best on Tampa Bay's pitching staff. And then you have Chad Bradford, a solid reliever but also one who is 34 years old and will be a free agent at season's end. Does the guy who proposed this really think that trading his team's fifth-best starting pitcher and third-best reliever for one of the best young outfielders in the National League is likely to happen, especially when the Dodgers need offense like Tim McCarver needs brains?

I guess, if you're a Tampa Bay Ray fan (like I really hope this guy is), then making this trade proposal is borderline semi-defensible in a way. But what really kills me is his reason why the Dodgers would do it:

"This will lower the pressure on the Dodgers' outfield situation on their end and boost their pitching staff."

Exactly. The Dodgers' outfield situation would be cleared right up by allowing them to use a CF who hit .158 last year and weighs 900 pounds, as well as a LF who threw .158 last year (you might not know what that means, but trust me it's absolutely terrible) and will get paid $10 million in 2009 to hit zero home runs with a .320 OBP. Yeah, trade Ethier and you'll have nothing to worry about there Dodger fans. And also: acquiring an average starter and a good reliever will not "boost" the pitching staff of the Dodgers, who posted the best team ERA in the National League in 2008.

I can't wait until the New York writers start their rumorfest, predicting that the Yankees will land CC Sabathia and Kobe Bryant while the Mets end up with Manny Ramirez and Barack Obama. Should be a fun few weeks, for sure.

Preseason predictions are always wrong. Let's make more of them!

Not satisfied with simply being wrong about one thing (the traditional "Here's Who's Going to Win the National Championship" pick), Joe Lunardi has decided to be wrong about at least sixty-five things:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/bracketology

Is there anything more idiotic than laying out an entire bracket in fucking November? You could lay out a potential bracket two minutes before the "Selection Show" and still be wrong about like half the teams and seeds. But in November, you could be wrong about fucking near everything.

Not that I haven't already spent two hours looking at and analyzing this, of course. UCLA as a preseason #1 seed after losing three starters including their only low-post scorer? Florida as a #2 seed after not even making the tournament last year? UConn as a #1 after getting bounced by fucking San Diego in the first round last year? Iffy, iffy stuff. I don't remember if Lunardi personally was involved in this, but two years ago Washington started the season off ranked in the top 20 and was a trendy "sleeper" pick to advance deep into the NCAA Tournament...and then they went 8-10 in Pac-10 play and missed it altogether. It's hard enough to pick one team in the preseason that will win the tournament, much less the 65 teams (as well as their exact seeds) that will actually get to the fucking thing.

I guess that kind of thinking is why Joe Lunardi makes like a kerjillion dollars a minute working at ESPN.com while I make seven dollars an hour (before taxes) working a tech support job at my university. Don't miss my next post: I pick every college football bowl game exactly, down to the score, the time of possession, the number of rushing yards, and the amount of bored fans in attendance praying for a playoff system. Bold predictions for everybody!

I know I couldn't throw 95 mph fastballs when I was twelve

Look, I don't have anything against Tim Lincecum. Sure, he's on the Giants, but ever since Barry Bonds left I haven't been feeling any more antipathy toward them than I have for any other team. When they had Bonds, Schmidt, J.T. Snow, Edgardo Alfonzo, etc, they were a serious, legitimate, spit-on-your-face-and-laugh rival. Now they're just another NL West team. And therefore, after I saw today that Tim Lincecum won the NL Cy Young Award, I merely shrugged.

There is one thing that I have to say about Timmy though. Look, back in 2003, we all made the "How Old Is Lebron James?" joke (I say 28-29), which was completely and utterly blown away four years later by the "How Old Is Greg Oden?" joke (I say he's Lebron's grandfather). The American public likes making jokes about people's ages. I get it. Keith Richards is 95, Dick Clark is 195, and Glenn Close is an 88-year-old man. I understand all of these. But hardly ever do you find a "How Old Is This Person?" joke about the person actually being younger than they are.

To which I give you: a 9-year-old Cy Young Award winner:

http://llnw.image.cbslocal.com/23/2008/03/24/320x240/lincecum.jpg

You know what's even more overrated than saves? Loyalty!

Is there really some kind of prize for finishing last in the NL West that nobody's told me about? Is Lebron James going to quit basketball, become a baseball player, and be so good that he'll be the top pick in the 2010 draft and lead whichever team he signs with to multiple championships? I mean, this is just getting ridiculous: Trevor Hoffman, who's been the face of the Padres for like 48 years but is incredibly still pitching well, has apparently been turned away:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3694923

The Padres have basically lost Peavy and are going to lose Giles unless he kidnaps Kevin Towers' daughter and holds her hostage. They really couldn't afford to offer Hoffman anything more than a one-year deal for $4 million with incentive bonuses? I know the guy is 41 and that his ERA in 2008 was 3.77 (up from 2.98 in 2007), but his WHIP dropped from 1.12 to 1.04 and his BAA dropped from .228 to .224. He walked nine batters in 45-plus innings. Nine! Nolan Ryan could walk that many guys in 45 pitches!

If I'm a San Diego fan, I'm really wishing I had invested in some steel groin plating on about October 28th to save myself from the numerous kicks to the crotch I've received since then. Unless I've got some weird Khalil Greene fascination, it's very likely that my three favorite players are all gone, and since a Travis Denker trade surely can't be far off, that'll soon make it four. Well, at least I have the Chargers to save me from this crap, right?

...Right?

Well, you can't say they didn't plan it this way

I don't have a whole lot against Alabama. Sure, I'm not the biggest Nick Saban fan, but as I root primarily for UCLA in all sports college, I don't usually come into conflict with the Tide in athletic events. I do, however, find this particularly humorous:

http://collegefootball.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=874020

Despite playing in the perennially loaded SEC, Alabama has played the 84th strongest schedule in the country. Utah is in the motherfucking Mountain West conference and they've played the 55th-strongest schedule. And it's not like Alabama saved all of its tough games for the end of the season; they close with two home games against Mississippi State (3-6) and Auburn (5-5) before basically being forced to play a tough team in the SEC title game in Florida.

My prediction for that game: Florida 69, Alabama 2 (Florida will score their 10th touchdown of the game with no time left on the clock in the fourth, and Alabama will block the extra point and bring it back for two as Nick Saban is jostled awake on the sidelines). Enjoy the national championship game Gators!

Follow-up: Matt Holliday

Coors Field, Park Factors 2008: Batting 105, Pitching 106

McAfee Coliseum, Park Factors 2008: Batting 97, Pitching 97

Matt Holliday, Road Stats, Career: .280/.348/.455

On the road, Matt Holliday has basically the same career OPS as Frank Catalanotto. And he's now going to be playing half his games in a park that favors pitchers.

I'm predicting May 3rd for the first "Why is Matt Holliday struggling?" column from BaseballProspectus.com, May 4th for the first "Rumblings and Grumblings; Matt Holliday is like the biggest LVP in the history of anything ever in any sport" column from Jayson Stark, and April 8th for the first "Holliday's Blaze of Glory is Flickering on the Road to Fire and Winningdom that Is the 2009 oakland Athletics of Fresno/bay area" column from Woody Paige. Stay tuned.

Black Plague hits NL West, best players forced to flee

I mean, that's really the only explanation. Peavy is going to be traded soon, Garrett Atkins will be gone before long, the Diamondbacks are willingly allowing two of their four best hitters as well as their #3 starter to depart without really any replacement plans, and now Matt Holliday has apparently been traded:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/baseball/mlb/11/10/heyman.holliday/index.html

I hope you can honestly come up with a better explanation than me for why every NL West team decided to become terrible at the same time. The Padres have no offense and will now have no pitching (always a good formula for success in baseball), the Rockies already had no pitching and will now have no hitting (that's two 100-loss teams), the Diamondbacks don't really stand out offensively or defensively and haven't been linked to any big stars in trade/FA rumors, and the Giants, although their pitching is excellent, hit worse than most Little League teams. If the Dodgers sign Manny and like a B+ starting pitcher, they could win 150 games.

Of course, they won't sign Manny...there's the Black NL West Plague to consider. I forgot. Get ready to see Raul Ibanez taking leaks during pitching changes and high-fiving fans while making running catches on the warning track, LA fans. Also get ready for him to make like $18 million and bat .270/.330/.440 in 2009. Can't wait for that.

It's really cool when the Blazers win on dramatic buzzer-beating 30-footers

But that also means that we have to listen to Brian Wheeler's patented high-pitched homer squeals:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlBq-qXUdcs

If the Blazers ever win on a flukey length-of-the-court prayer shot, Wheeler would probably shit and piss himself at the same time before screaming so loud that both backboards shatter and Mike Rice's head explodes. Stay tuned to all close Blazer games to prepare for this scenario.

Scott Boras:Mind-Numbingly Horrible Contracts::Fish:Water

Most sports fans don't like Scott Boras, and it's pretty easy to figure out why: they blame him for tearing their favorite players away from their favorite teams. Often times, it'll go something like this: A player who's been with the same team for 6 years and garnered a huge following with said team's fans will be like, "I love (random city) and I'd love to stay with (random team)." Then Boras will be like, "You'll get a decent amount of money if you stay with (old team) but you'll get like seven times more if you sign with (other team)," and the player couldn't sign with the other team fast enough. And everyone blames Boras, when in reality, he's just doing his job, and doing it very well. Sure, he's probably manipulated situations and people before to squeeze the most possible money out of them, but what agent wouldn't?

That said, he wants Jason Varitek to get 4 years and $52 million this offseason.

Jason Varitek. The same guy who batted .220/.313/.359 in the 2008 regular season and then went like 1 for 90 in the playoffs. The same guy who threw out 22.2% of potential basestealers in 2008. Jason Varitek.

Well, I guess Boras figures that Varitek is just an up-and-coming talent who put too much pressure on himself during his contract year. Surely, he'll argue, that next year when he can relax and enjoy the prime years of his playing career, that he'll be able to break out and...

Wait. This is the year 2004, right? Gas costs 89 cents a gallon, Friends is still making new episodes, and Varitek is on the catching market along with fellow studs Damian Miller and Javy Lopez, isn't he? Oh shit, this is 2008. Varitek is like 45 now. This is absolutely insane.

Jason. Varitek. 4 years and $52 million.

If Jason Varitek is worth $52 million, then I'm pretty sure I could get at least 9 years and $230 million on the open market as a light-hitting but hard-hustling 19-year-old cost-controlled corner outfielder. My phone line's open, Pirates!

You know what's great about losing by five rushing yards in fantasy football?

1. Nothing.

2. Knowing that if I hadn't, um, overslept on Sunday morning, I could have pulled out Willie Parker (who I swear is just playing a cruel joke on me this fantasy season) and started Jamaal Charles instead (who had just eight rushing yards...but still, they would have been enough).

3. Knowing that if I had started Marques Colston (140 receiving yards) or Mushin Muhammed (38 receiving yards and a TD) over Bernard Berrian (an amazing zero catches for zero yards after four straight solid fantasy weeks), I would have won going away.

4. Knowing that I once held leads in the week of 25-0 and 95-45.

5. Wondering what the pro sports equivalent of my epic collapse is and my mind immediately settling on the 1951 Dodgers, just to rub a mountain of salt into the wounds . Hey, did you know that Bobby Thomson hit a home run to win that pennant for the Giants? No, seriously. It was in all the papers.

6. Immediately taking solace in the fact that my fantasy basketball team won 8-1 in a dominating performance this last week.

7. Immediately getting shot in the dick once again upon finding out that my second-best player (Josh Smith) is out 2-4 weeks with a sprained ankle.

I guess my point is this: I completely love fantasy sports and they have never disappointed me in any way.

Introduction

Disclaimers:

1. This "all-sports" blog only primarily focuses on major league baseball, pro football, college football, college basketball, and pro basketball. Sorry. Hey, get more interesting, all other sports, and maybe I'll write about you.

2. My favorite teams are UCLA (college basketball and football) and the Los Angeles Dodgers (baseball). Bias for these two teams will probably inevitably show up in this blog, even though I'm horribly pessimistic about both of them. Deal.

3. On the up side, I don't really have a favorite NBA or NFL team; I mostly just follow them for fantasy purposes. I'm from Portland, so I kind of have a thing for the Blazers, but I can definitely be objective about them. Rejoice!

4. These entries can be about anything; a particular game, a free-agent signing, a trade, a player profile, whatever. Anything related to sports.

5. Any and all feedback is appreciated.

Away we go!